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I know I must not be alone when trying to stay strong, AFTER a deployment. Many people think your "problems" go away after the homecoming of your soldier. While, it feels good to have your man home... many experience a re-adjustment phase.
Some will discover their soldier has PTSD or TBI. Some will have to get to know their military man again, as 15 months is a long time to be seperated.
Looking at some of my friends who were in my husbands unit, I have seen at least 2 seperations and a divorce. It has only been 7 months since the men have been home. The men in my husbands old unit are already prepairing to go back to war. They have training, JRTC and off they go again...
In the middle of war time, deployments are a cycle that military families have to deal with.
In cases like ours, we have physical and mental issues to deal with.
Tomorrow is memorial day. It's hard for me to think that people are actually having fun on this day. It has not been that long for my husband and I since we lost many friends... to me, Memorial Day should be used to remember the sacrifices our soldiers and their families make.
When I am just plain "tired" here are some verses that help me to stay strong:
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?The Lord is the stronghold of my life;of whom shall I be afraid?
—Psalm 27:1
Seek the Lord and his strength;seek his presence continually!
—Psalm 105:4
Have you not known? Have you not heard?The Lord is the everlasting God,the Creator of the ends of the earth.He does not faint or grow weary;his understanding is unsearchable.He gives power to the faint,and to him who has no might he increases strength.Even youths shall faint and be weary,and young men shall fall exhausted;but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;they shall mount up with wings like eagles;they shall run and not be weary;they shall walk and not faint.
—Isaiah 40:28-31
I am just human, like everyone else - and sometimes even in reading the verses I feel confused and sad. Sad that things are not the same with my husband as before he left for the war, and also knowing that things will never be the same as before the war.
I remember my husband said to me after learning about his head injury is, "People change..."
This is true, one thing as wives we can do is remember that Christ is never changing.
Just know, you are not in this alone. We are all in this together.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
Not Without Christ
As I sit here, I try to think of what exactly I can say to give other military wives strength. My husband was deployed for fifteen months to a very dangerous area in Iraq (not that there are any safe areas).
My husbands unit faced many trials, this means - as a military wife… I did too. While I did not actually stand and fight next to my husband on the battle lines - I did stand by his side emotionally, as we all do.
I had worries, more so than not. I know - it’s easy to say to give your worries to God - 100%… but, sometimes it really is easier said than done.
I remember one instance, the television stations had made the mistake of leaking out a story of an attack on my husbands unit. The media went ahead and plastered the news all over the television…. The enemy had rigged two trucks with explosives, and rammed the trucks into the sleeping quarters of one of our patrol bases.
I was frightened, the patrol base that was hit sounded like the patrol base my husband had been living in. I watched the news reports, called our FRG leader. No one had exact information to give us.
Hours later, it was confirmed that indeed the building that was hit was my husbands patrol base. Still, no word of who the casualties and fatalities were.
I remember going to bed, worried and praying for my husband and his friends. I tossed and turned throughout the night. Nightmares came, along with the building up pressure that indeed - my husband could have been one of the soldiers killed in that attack.
I don’t think I slept but maybe an hour or so that night.
I sat at my computer early in the morning - searching for some piece of evidence online of the names of soldiers who were involved. Still, nothing.
Finally, the red line call came in. My FRG leader, gave me the information. I knew, it was not a phone call telling me my husband was killed. You will never receive a phone call from someone telling you about the death of your husband. Someone will always show up in person.
The phone call did tell me who was killed…
I was given the red line information, as I was a key caller. I had to call all of the families on my key caller list to let them know the message and the names of those who were killed.
I had done many red line calls before, sad but true. This however, was one of the hardest red line calls. There were so many names to read… every time I had to call someone on the list, they would answer… with a pause. The families on my list all were expecting a call from their key caller to let them know what was going on.
I remember one lady, answering the phone… “Please - Please tell me my husband is okay!” she said as her voice was quite shaken up. Although - the wives knew they would not receive a phone call saying that their husband was killed, they were all still afraid. We all were.
As I sat, making calls - thoughts raced through my head.
How can I continue to do this?
Will my husband really make it home?
What am I going to tell my children when their dad is next?
What am I going to say to the families who lost their dad, their brother, their son?
How can I help with activities for the wives, so they can try to focus on more of a positive thing when we are surrounded by so much negative?
One after another, I made the red line calls to family members. I started out by saying, “This is Patti…” as soon as I said that - I could hear the hesitation in the voices on the other side of the phone. The wives and family members knew why I was calling… they knew I had the names of the soldiers who had been killed in the incident. Nine Soldiers.
Another thing people have to remember is your husband works with these guys… nine close friends.
I remember very clearly calling one of the ladies (a good friend of mine) to tell her the sad news. We sat in silence and cried together. Not saying a word after I read the red line.
How do you have strength in times like these? One family member asked me.
I really don’t know - you just do what you have to do, you just keep moving along… without Christ though - without hope, I would have nothing.
This is true. As a military wife, who has seen the ugly head of war - I can honestly say… I could not have went through all of the emotional stress without Christ.
I truly don’t think I would have enough strength - enough energy to get through some of those tough times. Even in days that I knew Christ was with me it was hard.
Here are some verses that helped me, I hope they help you too.
The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
—Psalm 27:1
Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the Lord!
—Psalm 31:24
Seek the Lord and his strength;
seek his presence continually!
—Psalm 105:4
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
—Isaiah 40:28-31
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
—2 Corinthians 12:9-10
You can read about the incident with our nine soldiers here: http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/meast/04/23/iraq.main/index.html
My husbands unit faced many trials, this means - as a military wife… I did too. While I did not actually stand and fight next to my husband on the battle lines - I did stand by his side emotionally, as we all do.
I had worries, more so than not. I know - it’s easy to say to give your worries to God - 100%… but, sometimes it really is easier said than done.
I remember one instance, the television stations had made the mistake of leaking out a story of an attack on my husbands unit. The media went ahead and plastered the news all over the television…. The enemy had rigged two trucks with explosives, and rammed the trucks into the sleeping quarters of one of our patrol bases.
I was frightened, the patrol base that was hit sounded like the patrol base my husband had been living in. I watched the news reports, called our FRG leader. No one had exact information to give us.
Hours later, it was confirmed that indeed the building that was hit was my husbands patrol base. Still, no word of who the casualties and fatalities were.
I remember going to bed, worried and praying for my husband and his friends. I tossed and turned throughout the night. Nightmares came, along with the building up pressure that indeed - my husband could have been one of the soldiers killed in that attack.
I don’t think I slept but maybe an hour or so that night.
I sat at my computer early in the morning - searching for some piece of evidence online of the names of soldiers who were involved. Still, nothing.
Finally, the red line call came in. My FRG leader, gave me the information. I knew, it was not a phone call telling me my husband was killed. You will never receive a phone call from someone telling you about the death of your husband. Someone will always show up in person.
The phone call did tell me who was killed…
I was given the red line information, as I was a key caller. I had to call all of the families on my key caller list to let them know the message and the names of those who were killed.
I had done many red line calls before, sad but true. This however, was one of the hardest red line calls. There were so many names to read… every time I had to call someone on the list, they would answer… with a pause. The families on my list all were expecting a call from their key caller to let them know what was going on.
I remember one lady, answering the phone… “Please - Please tell me my husband is okay!” she said as her voice was quite shaken up. Although - the wives knew they would not receive a phone call saying that their husband was killed, they were all still afraid. We all were.
As I sat, making calls - thoughts raced through my head.
How can I continue to do this?
Will my husband really make it home?
What am I going to tell my children when their dad is next?
What am I going to say to the families who lost their dad, their brother, their son?
How can I help with activities for the wives, so they can try to focus on more of a positive thing when we are surrounded by so much negative?
One after another, I made the red line calls to family members. I started out by saying, “This is Patti…” as soon as I said that - I could hear the hesitation in the voices on the other side of the phone. The wives and family members knew why I was calling… they knew I had the names of the soldiers who had been killed in the incident. Nine Soldiers.
Another thing people have to remember is your husband works with these guys… nine close friends.
I remember very clearly calling one of the ladies (a good friend of mine) to tell her the sad news. We sat in silence and cried together. Not saying a word after I read the red line.
How do you have strength in times like these? One family member asked me.
I really don’t know - you just do what you have to do, you just keep moving along… without Christ though - without hope, I would have nothing.
This is true. As a military wife, who has seen the ugly head of war - I can honestly say… I could not have went through all of the emotional stress without Christ.
I truly don’t think I would have enough strength - enough energy to get through some of those tough times. Even in days that I knew Christ was with me it was hard.
Here are some verses that helped me, I hope they help you too.
The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
—Psalm 27:1
Be strong, and let your heart take courage,
all you who wait for the Lord!
—Psalm 31:24
Seek the Lord and his strength;
seek his presence continually!
—Psalm 105:4
Have you not known? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint or grow weary;
his understanding is unsearchable.
He gives power to the faint,
and to him who has no might he increases strength.
Even youths shall faint and be weary,
and young men shall fall exhausted;
but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.
—Isaiah 40:28-31
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
—2 Corinthians 12:9-10
You can read about the incident with our nine soldiers here: http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/meast/04/23/iraq.main/index.html
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
The Curse of the Military Wife
I know you are probably thinking "curse? what curse? we are strong and independent and courageous. what are you talking about?" Yes we are strong, we are courageous, and we are independent. Our curse lies in our independence. As a military wife we are often left alone while our husbands are training or deployed or attending a school here or there. We are forced to become these strong and independent creatures. But are we too independent for our own good? Part of being a strong person is knowing when we have had enough. We need to know when to ask for help. And to actually pick up the phone and call someone to ask for their help. We need to know that we are not expected to be the backbone of the entire military! Our family depends on us but they expect that we will need help from time to time. Ask your hubby, i bet he doesn't expect you to do it all on your own. He knows that sometimes you will need help. Even if the help you need is a babysitter so you can have dinner with a friend. Or maybe you need someone to help you organize a room in your house that just seems over run with stuff. I bet if you pick up the phone friends are on the other end waiting on you. I've said it before and i'll say it again.....Your friends want to be a help and a blessing to you....don't take that opportunity from them. Don't be so independent and strong that you never need anyone! You are not Hercules....get that world off your shoulders and allow the rest of us to bless you! I know many wives who try to do it all. I often try to do it all. We use excuses like "i'm new here. i don't know many people yet." or "my hubby is hurt and i have kids and so much to do, i can't burden another with my problems." or even "i've been doing this for years on my own, why do i need help now." Well, let me tell you.....you are not a burden to others. Most times people know you have an injured hubby, kids, a house to run, a family who needs you at your best. We WANT to help but we don't know your needs. We don't know what one thing (or more...no limits) we can do that will brighten your day and make you feel less stressed. If you need your house dusted and vacuumed....tell me! If i am nearby i'll do it! If you would like a nice meal but have 3 dr's appointments to run to and 3 kids to homeschool and you do not want takeout again call a friend! Or better yet....if you know a person who is in this situation and you are able to make a nice meal for them.....surprise them and drop off a homecooked healthy meal for their family. That one act of kindness may be the one thing that makes them smile! Or if you know someone who is somewhat new to town and has kids but never gets a night out (hubby deployed or not) offer to babysit for them. Give them that break they need! You will also find that by being that helper in their lives you feel stronger in your own life. And you will see that you have been blessed as much as they have. Then you will see that you really can't take that blessing from another!
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Hitting a wall and Bouncing back
I'm sure you have done this. We all go through it. At some point or another we are all raising our children and taking care of our house while our husband is deployed. Everything is going just fine, we are cruising right along. Then suddenly we run face first into a wall. It doesn't sneak up on us. It hit us full force! We are thinking things are ok and then suddenly we are sad, wondering why he hasn't called, wondering what he's doing. We miss him more than ever. It seems like he'll never get home again. We need some spiritual uplifting. We know God is there for us. We know He cares for us. Psalm 55:22 says "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." That's not Lord as in Lord of the manor or Lord in royal terms. That's LORD as in Master, Savior, Commander of our life! And He's looking out for us! Isn't that just so awesome when you think about it! The Creator of the Universe knows your name and is looking out for you! He wants you to cast your cares on him! He wants you to come to him with your whining and complaining! He wants you to tell him your problems EVERY day! He WANTS to help you! It's amazing isn't it? We have a direct line to the Master and Creator. And he WANTS us to call on him. He LONGS for us to call on him. That always blows me away. January was a very difficult month for me personally. I feel like January was my wall. If it hadn't been for leaning on God and having helpful, listening, caring friends, I would not have made it through. I'm currently reading Hope for the Homefront: Winning the Emotional and Spiritual Battle of a Military Wife. This book (which is also a bible study) has been very helpful to me. It's written by Marshele Carter Waddell, a navy wife of more than 20 years and a mom. She has some wonderful insights on being a military wife, mom, and a Christian all at the same time. You don't have to only be one of these things. God means for us to be wife and mom and still praise and worship him. And He intends to help us with that! God even says he is "A father to the fatherless.......in his holy dwelling". That's a paraphrase of Psalm 68:5. The full verse says "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling". While we are not widows, and pray to never be, and our children are not actually fatherless....deployment makes us fall into these categories. And God is there to fill that void in our lives. All we have to do is call on him! It's not so hard to stop and just say "God...i need you". He already knows you need him...just go to him. He already knows you need some peace and He has plenty to give. Now that February has come and January is gone, I am looking for some peace and I know where to find it.
Written By: Kim
Written By: Kim
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Oh You Gotta Have Friends
Lately I have come to realize that surviving deployment can not happen with out friends. I need these special people in my life to call when I am having a bad day. I can call them for a laugh, or to whine, or to ask for prayer. Each of them are there for me. At the same time, I am also there for them. They can call me for any of the same things that I call them for any time day or night. We each find friends in different ways. Some we have had since our school days. Some we have met since we started this military roller coaster. Some we have online only. Some we feel more connected to and can talk to more openly and some are for fun times more than stressful times. But we still have friends. And our friends help us so much. I thought about this after I spoke with one of my confidant friends last night. I have come to realize that I can tell her anything. We have only met each other online but she is so easy to talk to about any thing. I talked to her last night simply because I have been having a difficult time recently and reached a point that I needed someone to know. Just telling another person can help so much. They can talk you through it, let you vent, and pray for you. And when they have been through this before, they can offer some really sound advice. All too often we encounter people in our daily walks who tell us "Call me if you need anything". But we never call them. We don't know if they really mean it. They should have been more specific when they offered. I can't just call out of the blue. Most of the time (not always, mind you) but MOST of the time, they do mean it. They really want to help. They aren't specific because they don't know what your need may be, but they do mean it. I am so guilty of not calling and asking. I bring more stress on myself because I won't just ask! The worst they can do is say no, sorry, I can't help you. And if that's what they say, then that's fine. Now you know. But more often than not, I'd bet they are waiting on an opportunity to bless your family. Don't take that opportunity from them! Let God bless you through them! We all need our friends. We need them for help, for talking, for laughing, for crying, for praying. Call yours today. Let them bless you! You just might be a blessing to them in return without even knowing it!
Friday, January 11, 2008
From Struggling to Surviving
Lately it seems that everywhere I turn I find wives whose husbands have recently been deployed. As in since the first of this year, very recently. They all seem to have the same question, How do you do this? I'm struggling, how do you do this? I so wish there was a simple, magical answer to that question. I wish I could just tell you "well, ya know, I do this and this and this and I'm all good now." But I can't. The truth is, deployment is hard. It's hard on those of us left behind here at home. We see everything around us and something always reminds us of the one we love. It's hard on our soldiers. They miss us, they want to be home. They want to just hold us close to them. We want to be held close to them. There is no magical answer that will make everything all better. It does get easier as time goes by. Well, maybe easier is the wrong word. I'd say it gets manageable as time goes by. Everyone always says "Stay Busy!" And as lame as it sounds, it's true. Staying busy does help the time to pass more quickly. Planning things to do in advance helps too. My girls and I try to plan something fun once a month so we have something to look forward to every few weeks. Right now we are planning Kaitlyn's birthday party. It's in February. March we will do something for St. Patrick's Day, maybe a party for them and their friends. April is MY birthday. May is R&R, June is Keliah's birthday, July we go home for a visit, August we start school shopping, September school starts, October is Halloween, etc, etc. That has been a tremendous thing for us! We go to church every Sunday. Getting up and doing this one thing gives me strength for the week. Talking to my hubby every week gets me through too. There's nothing like a phone call to make me smile for a few days. Looking back over the first 4 months of this deployment, I'd say that I am surviving now because of the little things everyday. I know we don't all have kids to plan things with, but we do have friends. And we don't all live in military communities. So not everyone understands what we are going through. But we do have online support systems. My online friends have become some of the biggest assets to my life. I know it's a struggle at first. I've been there. But over the first couple months you do come to find that the small things in life and the monotony of everyday life, strengthens you in many ways. I have noticed recently that I have really come to rely on my daily routine. It's almost as if doing what I do every single day makes each day ok and livable. Another thing I have found that has given me untold amounts of strength is helping others. I donate to those in need. I talk to people who just need someone to listen. I do anything I find that I can do to help someone who needs it. Seeing others smile makes me smile. I pray that you can each find what gives you strength in your life so you can stop struggling and start surviving.
Written by: Kim
Written by: Kim
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Where is my strength?
When I first sat down to write this blog, I thought "what do I have to say about staying strong? I'm just another wife dealing with deployment and wondering what tomorrow will bring." I actually have sat down here several times to write this blog. It has taken me some time to get some form of an idea in my head. Then I realized what I was doing wrong. All this time I have been trying to write this one myself. I'm not why I can make it from one day to the next. I am not what makes me strong. God is. God gives me strength. God gets me from one day to the next. Psalm 46:1 tells us "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." I have learned in these 4 months since my husband left that I can't do anything on my own. God is there for me. ALWAYS. He's the one who gives me peace. He's the one to gets me out of bed when my kids are fighting and the sun isn't even up yet. I must give all credit to God for my strength. People ask me all the time if I worry about my husband and fear that he wont come home. Well....first of all...that's a stupid question to ask any wife who's husband is at war. Second....I do worry some and of course I have fears. BUT I have a peace about it all. God has promised me that my husband will come home to me. God is protecting him. I pray for him every day. That doesn't mean that deployment is easy. That doesn't mean that I don't have bad days. We are all entitled to have bad days. The other half of my soul is gone for a LONG time....it's only natural to have a bad day occassionally. But I do know that my husband expects me to get up every day and live my life. I talked to him yesterday and he said that getting up every day and taking care of myself and our kids shows him how much I love him. That's what gets me out of bed. When we got a phone call a couple weeks ago that there had been an incident within my husband's battalion, I was at a loss for what to do. I wanted to help him, but I am so far away. I prayed for God to give not only me strength, but him also. He told me when I talked to him again that he knew I was praying for him. He could feel the peace and the strength. God does miraculous things. I wondered before my husband deployed where I'd find the strength to get through this. Now i know....my strength is in God.
written by: Kim
written by: Kim
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